T-3 and Counting...

It is Wednesday morning and again I am awake for no reason fathomable, rather then elect to lie in bed staring at the ceiling I am up with coffee and NPR and will work out following this post.

What is T-3? Today is Wednesday. Sophie leaves for Europe Friday. I will have the month of August to myself. Super! A chance to get things done, to catch up on a myriad of unfinished projects. Super! A chance to really put my shoulder to the grindstone at work. Super! A chance to work out a lot. Super! I can walk around naked, sleep in, eat whenever and whatever I want. Travel, see friends... Super! I get to walk past the open door to a quiet room with its stuffed animals and its abandoned toys and its empty bed. Super! I don't have to lay next to her and feel her arm around my neck as she falls a sleep and says I love you daddy... Super. I will come home to my now empty house and thrash about with my books and my work not having to go swing or go swimming or play hide and seek or have dessert after brushing my teeth... Super. I don't have to read with her until I fall asleep and she turns out the lights. Super! I don't have to wake her in the morning with my hand on her back sitting quietly while I feel the rise and fall of her breathe until I kiss her and say "sweetheart, its time to get up. To which she groans and stretches and asks "please daddy a few more minutes" Which, no matter how late I always give her. Super! I don't have to listen to her voice, her laughter, her amazement with every new thing she discovers. Super! I don't have to go to friends or birthday parties or play dates or bike riding or kick a soccer ball or do art projects or bake together.

Yep its all just really super and it is a rope that tightens a little bit more each day around my chest. Emotions that I can never let her see. And I don't even to get to make tea or iron shirts in the morning, who'd have thought I would ever miss that, but I do.

Maybe I'll just close the door....